


Who's Side are you On?

by TheLawyersKeeper



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Brain Damage, Established Relationship, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Steve Rogers, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-08 06:08:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15924455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLawyersKeeper/pseuds/TheLawyersKeeper
Summary: Bucky gets hurt on a mission and believes the Avengers are Hydra, and Steve doesn't know if he can get through to him.





	1. Chapter 1

“Don’t freak out” Natasha rushed at Steve as he barreled through the hallway of the medical unit of the Avengers Tower.

“Get out of my way Nat” he barely blinked as he stalked forward, eyes steely, giving away no indication of how afraid he actually was. Natasha ran after him, sending a warning text off to Sam.

_He’s livid, get ready_

_K_

Steve slammed through the door and Sam stepped forward and firmly put his hand on his chest

“Steve, you _have_ to calm down, you don’t understand” Steve glared at him and Sam could feel the tension in his shoulders.

“What could I possibly not understand Sam, he has _brain swelling_ Sam! Tell me to calm down again” Sam squared his shoulders and met the super soldier’s challenging gaze.

“You will get your shit together Rogers because your fiancé is under the impression that you are both being held by HYDRA, and that you’ve been brainwashed into believing we’re the good guys” Steve faltered and looked at his best friend, barely containing a gasp.

“What…?” Sam sighed and guided Steve into a hard plastic chair and sat next to him.

“Here, lemme start at the beginning okay?” Steve nodded, leg bouncing up and down nervously as he studied Sam’s face, barely registering Natasha behind him…

 

* * *

 

_“So how mad was he?” Bucky snorted and sent a glance in Clint’s direction as Natasha landed the plane on the perimeter of the field._

_“Pissed, but he’s still bruised so I wasn’t taking no for an answer” Natasha smirked and looked at him_

_“You’re such a good wife James” Bucky snorted but a flush crawled up his neck._

_“Tell him that, idiot got into a huge fight with me over it, I’m sorry but you can’t jump out of a forty story building and expect me to be okay with you running off to kill aliens less than 48 hours later” Natasha nodded and Sam glanced at him._

_“You fought?” Bucky shrugged uncomfortably under the Veteran’s gaze_

_“More like he just screamed a bunch of nasty things because I wouldn’t budge, then told me to fuck off and locked himself in the bedroom” Sam eyed him warily and nodded_

_“You gunna be okay for this-“_

_“Need your head in the game James!” Natasha called playfully as they got closer to the chaos, double checking her guns a final time._

_“Yes, I’ll be fine, wouldn’t have come if it was going to be an issue, he’s just mad, it’ll blow over” Clint clapped his shoulder in silent support. Bucky was a lot of things, but unnecessarily reckless wasn’t one of them, that was Steve._

_“Alright, let’s move out!” Bucky shook his head to clear his memories of their argument as they ran into the fray. Steve didn’t mean what he’d said, he was just mad. Besides, Bucky had work to do._

“The whole mission went fine until the very end” Natasha murmured softly and Steve looked up from where his head was hanging, elbows resting on his knees. He remembered that fight, it’d been playing over and over in his head since Maria had called. There was a cough and Steve became aware of Clint’s presence next to him, eyes red-rimmed and looking a little battered.

“One of the blasts hit a little too close to me, ruined my hearing aids”…

 

* * *

 

_“Clint!” Clint stumbled around disoriented, the loud bang followed by complete silence throwing off his equilibrium. This wasn’t the first time this had happened, but he wasn’t in one of his nests right now, he didn’t have time to re-calibrate his other senses. He flung his head around as one of the menacing creatures lunged towards him, he could see Falcon swooping towards him quickly but he clearly wasn’t going to be of any assistance. He crawled back quickly, trying to stand again when it raised it’s blaster._

_“Aw shit…” Clint closed his eyes when he suddenly felt a force barreling into his left side. His eyes snapped open and he caught the familiar glint of silver as he was tossed out of the way. Bucky wasn’t as lucky, the blast hitting him in the hip and sending him spiraling through the air, flying a solid fifty feet through the air. Falcon changed course immediately, hoping to at least slow the Soldier down as he impacted the large tree with a crack that had the other three freeze in horror._

_“Sam get Barnes, Nat I’m with you and aids are out” Clint ran back, only catching Sam’s pointed thumbs up as the clue his comm still worked. Sam landed hard next to Bucky and winced, the entire lift side of his face was drenched in blood._

_“Hey Barnes, c’mon man you with me?” Bucky groaned and sat up, Sam immediately kneeling next to him and taking his weight._

_“Yeah, m’here” Sam breathed a sigh of relief and smiled as Bucky opened his eyes, squinting around as the sunlight imbedded daggers in his brain._

_“Where’s Steve?” Sam began to get nervous again and radioed in_

_“Guys, we gotta get him outta here now” Natasha’s voice came back clipped, the only sign she was nervous_

_“Give us two minutes” Bucky turned to Sam and violently ripped himself out of his arms, staggering to his feet and drawing his sidearm_

_“Who the fuck are you!? Where’s Steve!?” Sam slowly put his hands up in the air, staying on his knees._

_“My name is Sam Wilson, I go by the codename Falcon, I’m part of your team, we are Avengers” Bucky was shaking and swaying and Sam felt himself get more and more worried for his friend as his eyes glazed over._

_“W-where’s Steve? What did you do with my fiancé!?” out of the corner of his eye, Sam watched as Natasha and Clint slowly moved towards them, shock clear in their expressions._

_“Steve was hurt on a mission in Slovenia on Wednesday, he’s back at the compound recovering, I came in his place so he could heal more” Bucky cocked the gun, Sam could feel the fear pouring off the man._

_“You’re HYDRA, you’ve kidnapped him, trying to get me back. There’s no compound” Sam darted his eyes to Natasha and Bucky caught the glance, spinning around to point his gun at Natasha, staggering as he did so and catching his balance against the very tree he’d crashed into. Natasha stood solidly, seemingly unfazed by the situation._

_“That’s enough James, come on, let’s go get you looked at and then we can go see Steve” his eyes flared and he pointed the gun at her head._

_“I know you, from the Red Room, Natalia” Natasha visibly swallowed at the name and he stepped towards her menacingly._

_“I’m going to kill you, “Sam Wilson”, and-“ Suddenly an arrow landed on Bucky’s metal arm and he barely had time to look at it before the voltage ran through his body, sending the already weak man into an unconscious heap on the forest floor. Clint hopped out of the tree as he placed his back-up aids in._

_“Sorry man, wish it could’ve been different” the group looked down at him for a minute and Sam scrubbed a hand over his face as Natasha sighed._

_“Steve’s gunna kill us”._

* * *

 

“They’ve kept him sedated and restrained, we told him you were coming in and he flipped, he’s sure we’ve hurt you” Natasha gestured to the still bruised blonde.

“Not that your appearance is going to help at all, but we’re hoping you can help bring him back around” Steve ran his hands through his hair, closing his eyes to try to contain the tears piling up behind them.

“Is he conscious?” Clint nodded and turned his head to the door.

“Stark and Banner are on their way with Dr. Cho, hopefully they’ll be able to fix it, or at least speed up the healing process-“ Steve nodded and went to enter the room, keenly aware of how vulnerable he was to the winter soldier in nothing but a white t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. He took a deep breath and opened the door into the medical suite, blinking at how dark it was in the room.

“Bucky…?”


	2. Chapter 2

Bucky sat on the floor in the furthest corner of the suite, he had all the exits memorized and knew exactly what his plan of action was. Get in. Get Steve. Get out. He couldn’t believe how easy they had fallen for it, actually believing that he hadn’t noticed the archer sliding into the wings as that man talked, The Falcon. And Natalia, clearly whoever had sent these agents hadn’t read his file if they thought she was even remotely a good idea to send in to collect him. He would need some form of weapon though, he didn’t know how many other _Soldats_ were in the facility, and he didn’t know Steve’s condition though.

He’d get Steve out though, even if it meant he had to stay.

The door clicked and he pressed back further into the corner, poised to leap at the next handler they foolishly sent in.

“Bucky?” he froze, watching as Steve cautiously stepped into the room. He was in civilian clothes, meaning he’d been taken from home, their little brownstone in Brooklyn. They knew where they lived, they would have to move. Bucky watched his eyes adjust to the dark knowing the exact time Steve spotted him and he slowly stood.

“Steve” his eyes glanced to the door and Steve immediately kicked it shut, earning surprised noises from whoever was on the other side of the door. Tears were streaming down the blonde’s face as he rushed him and Bucky embraced him tightly.

“Bucky, I was so worried, are you alright!? They said you were hurt!?” Bucky pulled away from Steve and framed his face, guiding him back to sit on one of the chairs and clicking on the table lamp. Steve gasped as he took his fiancé in: there was a huge gash down the side of his face, one eye swollen almost completely shut and both were bruised almost black, Steve couldn’t even imagine how much pain he was in. Bucky began scanning his body with his eyes and hands and Steve slowly became aware that Bucky was _examining him_. He gently grabbed his wrists and locked eyes with him.

“Bucky, sweetheart I’m okay, I’m okay I promise” Bucky warily eyes the bruises and Steve answered the unasked question.

“Happened a few days ago, we were in Slovenia and I was being stupid” he smiled and Bucky let out a snort, tension leaving his body as he pulled Steve to his chest, resting his chin on top of his head.

“You’re always stupid Stevie” Steve laughed and slowly pulled away.

“Let me look at your head” he guided them to switch spots and tilted the lamp to get a better view of Bucky’s head, making a pained noise when he saw it.

“How many are out there?” Steve looked at him in confusion and gently knelt back down

“Whattya mean doll? How many what” Bucky tossed his head towards the door, immediately fighting down the wave of nausea that accompanied it.

“Agents, how many are out there?” Steve felt his heart break and he spoke carefully

“Right now, too many for us to take with your head like this, let’s just try to rest for now okay?” Bucky balked at him and Steve put up his hands.

“Baby, come on, you can barely stand. How else did Hawk-eye get the drop on you like that?” Bucky looked at him with deadly eyes and when he spoke Steve could tell it wasn’t only for his ears.

“That arrow hit me because I _let it_ Steven. It was the only way I could find you. Don’t think for a second those bastards have done anything I didn’t already know they were going to do” Steve felt a sinking feeling in his gut and he swallowed thickly. Bucky misunderstood Steve’s reaction and his face immediately softened as he shuffled to kneel down next to Steve, moving him behind the piled up barricade of furniture he had made and stroked his cheek tenderly.

“S’okay baby, m’gunna get us outta here okay? Don’t be scared. I’m not gunna let anythin’ happen to you” Steve felt tears fill his eyes again at the unwavering devotion in his fiancé’s eyes and hugged him tightly.

“Not gunna let anything happen to you either Buck. We’re gunna get through this okay?” Bucky kissed the side of his head and guided Steve into his lap.

“Go to sleep baby doll, I’ll keep watch okay?” Steve nervously settled into the other man’s arms, eyes shifting as Bucky kept rhythmically running a hand through his hair. It wasn’t like he normally did though, like when they were in bed together and he’d find one patch of hair that was “particularly soft” or scratching that one spot that made Steve purr (not that he’d ever admit to it), it was timed, calculated. Bucky was putting on a show and Steve knew he had to play his part well. He shifted slightly and pressed a gentle kiss to Bucky’s thigh and got a gentle scratch in turn.

“Love you Buck” Bucky didn’t reply, but he scratched that spot again before returning to the previous ministrations. _I love you too_.

* * *

 

_“Steve, you’re not going” Bucky spoke calmly, but his voice held no argument as he stared his lover down. Steve’s face was going red in his fury and Bucky was seriously concerned he was going to pop a blood vessel, or stitches, or both._

_“The Fuck I’m not! You need me there!” he stormed up and stopped his face inches from Bucky’s. Bucky looked up at him and smiled, gently placing his arms on Steve’s._

_“No baby doll, we don’t, we got this one. What I need – what I need is for you to heal up, get better. Then you can be out in the field again, we can finish planning this wedding Tony’s losing his mind over. I want you in one piece for our honeymoon” Bucky aimed for teasing but Steve could see the genuine concern shining through. He was about to back down when his hindbrain kicked in._

_“So that’s what this is about? You don’t think I can handle it!?” Bucky’s face morphed into confusion and he shook his head._

_“No Steve, c’mon quit being a damn hothead! I know you can handle yourself just fine-“_

_“Yeah, I was doing perfectly fine without you for years! Can’t say the same for you though” Bucky’s hands dropped to his sides and Steve’s brain finally caught up with what he said and he slammed a hand over his mouth. Bucky gaped at him and Steve rushed towards him, towards the air of heartbreak in front of him, extending his hand._

_“Bucky wait – I didn’t mean – oh God” Bucky snapped away from him so quickly Steve was reeling. He grabbed his go bag and stalked to the door, calmly setting his engagement ring on the dish by the door like he always did before a mission, to keep it safe._

_“I’m gunna go now, and you’re going to stay here, you are **not** going to argue. If you’re still here when I get back, we will be having a very serious conversation. If not, well clearly you can get along just fine without me anyways” with that, Bucky very calmly closed the door, the soft click worse than any slam ever could have been. He blinked and realized he was crying._

* * *

 

Steve replayed the memory over and over in his head, he should’ve said something, pulled him back. This wasn’t the first time Steve’s temper had gotten the better of him, and Bucky could give just as good as he got. But Bucky was still fragile, he almost never bit back anymore. Sam had said he was doing it as a form of retaking control, he could choose when to fight now, and even something as small as not putting dishes away was an argument he could _choose_ to engage in. So Steve rarely triggered the arguments, Bucky picked stupid ones that were done within minutes – and the makeup sex was amazing. But Bucky chose those arguments, and seeing him willingly fight back without fear of punishment made Steve glow.

But he’d gotten mad, he’d started the fight, and Bucky hadn’t backed down. He fought back, and Steve had gotten so caught up in the back and forth he forgot that Bucky wasn’t as thick-skinned as before, couldn’t give him a pointed finger and a growled _you’re on thin ice Rogers_ which would lead to Steve realizing he’d crossed a line – and also makeup sex, although mush less rigorous so Steve didn’t die of an asthma attack. He looked up at where Bucky was still glaring at the door, the sunlight brightening the room. He looked so much worse in the light.

“Hey…” Bucky glanced at him and his eyes immediately softened

“Mornin’ Stevie” Steve kissed him softly and looked at the door. Bucky stretched and stumbled to his feet.

“We’re gettin’ outta here today pal, I gotta plan” Steve looked at him in concern and gently tugged him back down.

“We can’t Buck, not like this, you need medical attention. You’re safe here, I swear” Bucky looked at him and the terror in his eyes broke his heart.

“Steve, you don’t understand. They will come in and do maintenance, then they’ll freeze me – and God only knows what they’ll do to you when I’m not here. I know you can handle yourself, always have. But I know these guys okay? I know what they do, how they act. This isn’t the first time they’ve shown up pretending to be allies with you as their ticket in. I just don’t actually fall for it anymore” Steve whimpered at the unvoiced implications of that statement and looked at him.

“M-maybe we can barter? We cooperate while you go for maintenance and they have to keep us together, make them think we’re docile?” Bucky rubbed his chin contemplatively and nodded.

“It could work, haven’t tried that angle yet” Steve nodded and slowly moved to knock on the door before rushing back to Bucky’s side.

“You can come in” the door slowly opened and Bucky pressed Steve behind him, glowering at the intruding agents, one with soft curly hair and the other with a goatee and an aura of arrogance. Steve smiled and nodded.

“Tony, Bruce, nice to see you again” Bucky felt Steve relax against him and he sent him a discreet look. Why was Steve relaxing, his heartbeat slowing against Bucky’s back and breathing evening out. Steve _trusted_ these people. Something was wrong, very wrong.


	3. Chapter 3

Bucky glared down at the two men menacingly, refusing to allow Steve’s weakness to change his motivations, they’d gotten to Steve. He had to get him out now more than ever. The man identified as Tony strutted in, full of bravado.

“Hey there tin-man, Bruce is gunna get you all patched up, Cap, y’wanna come with me, grab some lunch?” Steve tried to shake his head but Bucky’s explosive reaction beat him to it, shoving him back and shielding him completely.

“He stays” Tony balked and Bruce gently put his hands up.

“Of course Sgt. Barnes, whatever you like. I would like to introduce myself, my name is Dr. Bruce Banner, and this is Tony Stark, would it be okay if I examined your head wound?” Steve gently squeezed his hand and he nodded slowly, moving to sit on the medical bed. Bruce smiled gently and gestured towards him.

“Sgt. Barnes, may I approach you?” Bucky looked at him in confusion and nodded hesitantly, Bruce nodded and very slowly walked towards Bucky until he was standing right in front of him.

“Sgt. Barnes, in order to examine your head, I will need to physically touch you, is that okay? You can tell me to stop at any time” Bucky glanced at Steve who smiled reassuringly and nodded at him.

“Go ahead”…

 

Bruce continued to narrate his movements as he examined Bucky’s head and Steve felt him relax inch by inch. Tony sent him a look and he nodded his head down at their joined hands, he wouldn’t be talking to Tony alone any time soon. Tony sighed heavily before advancing on the group, swagger in full force.

“Hey there Jolly Green, Terminator, I’m stealing Capsicle here for a minute, need a hand bringing in the food” Bucky let out a low snarl and Steve gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

“S’okay Buck, I’ll be back in ten minutes, you can even count” Bucky nodded and growled at Tony as he led Steve from the room. Bruce biting his own lip nervously.

* * *

 

“How’s he doing?” Steve let out a mirthless chuckle and his eyes filled with tears

“We’re planning a jailbreak, probably tonight” Tony nodded and shrugged his shoulders

“Well makes sense, if I thought a bunch of psychos took Pepper I’d be trying to bust her out too” Steve smiled sadly and looked at him.

“Can’t talk to you guys, not until I can get through to him, he doesn’t trust me so it’ll be better if we didn’t speak for now” Tony nodded and grabbed the trays handed to him, passing one off to Steve.

“Fair game, you need anything, you know where your button is” Steve nodded, the little panic button on the dog tags around his neck was impossible to discover, but did it’s job none the less”

“Thanks Tony, I really appreciate it, I’m just hoping we can bring him around soon”…

* * *

 “Sgt. Barnes, I need you to breathe okay?” Bruce was starting to panic, Bucky’d been compliant until about two minutes ago, then he’d gone rigid and started holding his breath, eyes glued to the door.

“Please Sgt. Barnes, just inhale for me okay? You’re blood oxygen is too low!” the door swung open and Steve walked back in, easy smile evaporating as he took in Bruce’s words. The tray clattered to the floor and he rushed over, grabbing Bucky’s face.

“Buck, hey! C’mon sweetheart breathe for me, c’mon Bucky please!” Bucky willed his tears away as he stared at the man he thought loved him, it was all a lie. Steve was _with_ them. He was HYDRA.

_“We’re planning a jailbreak tomorrow night”_

_“He doesn’t trust me, it’ll be better if we don’t speak”_

_“I hope I can bring him back around”_

_“You know where your panic button is”_

 

Bucky took a small breath in and looked down at the floor, they’d done something to Steve’s brain, he was a liability, he’d have to be unconscious when they left, or he’d give them away. He vaguely heard Steve and Bruce’s exhalations of relief once his breath righted itself and he spoke coldly.

“No more exams” Steve looked at him in confusion, shaking his head.

“No baby, c’mon he’s almost done – just let him-“

“I said _no!_ ” the roar sent Steve reeling back as Bucky forcibly removed himself from the monitors. Bruce immediately jumping back with his hands up.

“You’re right, Sgt. Barnes, absolutely. No more exams. I’m going to leave now okay, and I will be taking Tony with me,” he nodded at Steve, carefully choosing his next words.

“I’ve done enough today” Steve sagged in relief, they knew what was wrong with him. Bucky snarled and lurched toward the doctor menacingly.

“I said out!” the two scattered and Steve slowly stepped up to his fiancé, gently cupping his face in his hands.

“Bucky, honey they just wanna help” Bucky swallowed the lump in his throat and shook his head.

“It’s best if we don’t talk, room could be wired” Steve watched as Bucky looked everywhere but at him. He’d never been able to lie to Steve, he was an awful liar to begin with but being around Steve had always made it worse and Steve felt his heart break. Bucky was lying to him.

Bucky didn’t trust him.

Steve breathed deeply and stepped back, pinching the bridge of his nose to try to keep it together. He wiped at his eyes quickly and nodded.

“Yeah, okay Buck, w-whatever you think is best” Bucky let out a curt nod and hopped off the bed, going back to where he was sitting the night before. Steve went to curl up like he had the previous night, head in Bucky’s lap, but the soldier pointed to the bed.

“Bucky?”

“The bed’s more comfortable, you need to be well rested” Steve couldn’t stop the tears as the rejection flowed through him so painfully. He nodded and trudged over to the bed, looking at his lover one more time before curling up and facing the wall, tears streaming down his face.

If he’d turned around, he’d see Bucky, hands clamped over his face and shoulders heaving with silent sobs.

He was alone.

Again.


	4. Chapter 4

Steve woke up to a feeling of the bed shifting around him, his eyes fluttered open in confusion and he looked around. It was still late.

“B-Buck”

“Shh, m’right here Stevie” Bucky was curled around him so the back of Steve’s head rested perfectly between his pecs. His left leg slung over Steve’s hip. It was definitely weird but Steve wasn’t going to complain about being held again. Bucky pressed his lips to the back of his head and murmured gently.

“M’sorry ‘bout earlier, shouldn’t have let you go to bed like that” Steve smiled and pressed back into the awkward embrace and relaxed further.

“No, s’okay, we’re together now, that’s all the matters” he heard Bucky sniff and felt a dampness in his hair. He tried to roll over and Bucky pinned him, slowly moving his metal hand to his throat.

“B-Buck-“

“M’so sorry baby doll, I love you so much. It’ll make sense when you wake up, I promise” Steve tried desperately to fight off the choke hold, but Bucky’s position gave him the leverage and he felt himself slipping out of consciousness.

“When you wake up, we’ll be safe. M’gunna take care of you Stevie, always have” he kissed the back of Steve’s head again as the blonde’s movements became sluggish.

“Please don’t hate me”…

 

Once he was sure Steve was unconscious Bucky checked his vitals, he was safe. He wiped his eyes and walked over to where he’d positioned the other furniture against the weakest part of the door. As expected, one solid kick and the whole thing buckled. They didn’t reinforce their medical wing apparently. Alarms began blaring and he snatched Steve up bride style, running for the stairwell. He could hear everyone behind him, including that Tony and Bruce. He headed for the roof, specifically the northeast corner where he knew he could land them both in the river, hopefully recalibrating Steve in the process.

“Don’t move soldier!” he was about to make the jump when Natalia’s stern voice echoed through the noise. He shot a quick look behind him and froze. There had to be at least sixty people on the roof alone, that didn’t even count those on the ground and the helicopter coming over the tree-line. Bucky cradled Steve to his chest and looked around wildly. He could fight his way out, but then he’d leave Steve vulnerable – and God his head hurt. He swayed a little on his feet and Natalia stepped forward slowly.

“That’s enough James, this has gotten out of hand. Put Steve down” Bucky shook his head and felt himself teetering on the ledge. He could throw Steve over, the water would wake him up. Then Steve would get away. Steve could get away and Bucky’d-

Steve could be free at least.

Bucky fell to his knees in surrender, unaware that Steve was slowly gaining consciousness.  Natasha sent him a look before turning back to Bucky, keeping her voice cold.

“Let’s go James, we need to have your head checked” Bucky shook his head and cuddled Steve to him, tears escaping from his closed eyes.

“You let him go. You fix his brain, you let him go. I’ll come quietly, I’ll be good. I’ll take whatever punishment you deem fit just please God let him go” he heaved a sob and looked up at her with such broken eyes. Just like when he’d begged Zola to kill him after his final escape attempt, after learning Steve’d crashed the _Valkyrie_ back in 1956 on an old news reel.

“Do what you want with me, just please, _please_ save him”. Natasha looked away as her own eyes filled with tears. She knew how it felt to beg, to plead for a trade. To give up your own humanity for the chance someone else might have it. She schooled her expression and nodded.

“You have my word”

* * *

 

Steve stared at him, breath caught in his throat and heart pounding in his ears. In Bucky’s mind, he was surrendering to HYDRA. The cause of his still frequent nightmares, he was willingly going back to them. For Steve. Bucky laid him down gently and staggered to his feet walking over and dropping to his knees in front of Natasha, hands behind his back and head hung low. Steve scrambled to his feet and coughed gently.

“Bucky…” Bucky turned his head gently to the side and sent Steve a broken smile, tears sliding down his face. In that moment it all clicked into place for Steve, he wasn’t just playing along with Bucky’s injured brain. This was real to Bucky, the threat was real, the fear was real. The _goodbye_ was real. In Bucky’s world, the last memory he had of the two of them was Steve saying he’d be just fine without him, that he didn’t need him. And now here he was, handing himself over without a fuss based on the words of his _handler_ that Steve would be safe. So desperate enough for it to be true he clung to it and risked it all on the promise of someone he believed lied to him regularly. Steve let out a gentle sob and got to his knees, staring at him.

“S’gunna be okay baby doll, you’ll see. I love you Steven Grant Rogers” he looked at Bucky as Natasha pulled him to his feet and the rest of the units began to stand down, guiding Bucky back towards the door. Steve heaved a breath through his sore throat and croaked out.

“Wait” Natasha stopped and he looked at them.

“Nat, g-give us a second, yeah?” she nodded and let go of him, standing off to the side and scaring the remaining agents on the roof away.

“Stevie-“ Steve pulled him in for a gentle kiss and pressed his forehead against his, gentle of the wound.

“I need you to trust me Bucky okay? You’re gunna go in, and they’re gunna put ya to sleep and when you wake up it will all make sense and the headache will be gone and then we’ll get _married_ like we’re supposed to. Because I can’t spend one more second without you, and if I lose you again, baby I’ll die” Bucky gently wrapped his arms around his waist, eyes still glazed from the injury as he kissed him softly.

“It’s worth it, you’re worth it. S’gunna be okay” he gave that broken smile again and Steve sobbed, he just couldn’t get through.

Natasha stepped forward gently and grabbed Bucky’s elbow. He didn’t resist.

“Come on James, let’s get you fixed up” Bucky’s chest started to heave and terror began to make it’s way into his eyes as Natasha walked him away from Steve. He let out a desperate sound and Steve felt his world shatter.

“Run! You idiot go! Go now!” Steve shook his head and felt himself fall to his knees as Bucky desperately screamed at him to run away.

“Get out of here! Run Steve! Go!” Natasha pushed him through the door to the roof and turned to look at Steve as the agents took the screaming asset down the stairs.

“Steve-“

“Shut up! Everybody just shut up!” by the end of his sentence he was almost unintelligible with his sobbing. He buried his face in his hands and let out an anguished wail. He’d done the right thing, Bucky’d get his head fixed up and soon this would all just be a bad memory.

Then why did he feel like he’d let him down?


	5. Chapter 5

Bruce very patiently described the process to Steve. Repeating himself as often as Steve needed to help him fully understand the procedure. Bucky under full sedation.

“First thing we’re going to do is shave his head and make sure the area is sterile. Once we do that, we will insert a small draining tube which will drain the blood that’s been pooling in the area. This will allow the brain cavity to clear so the brain is no longer being irritated and should bring down the swelling.”

Steve rubbed his hand over his mouth and looked on as Bucky lay in the bed, dark bags and pale complexion already. “S-so, how do you drain it?” Bruce lifted a display version of the suction device.

“It’s this little tube here, it works just like the one they use as the dentist only more powerful and much, much smaller. It’ll clear the area in about ten-twenty seconds depending on how much blood there is.” Steve nodded and looked back at his fiancé before turning back to him yet again.

“And how does the sterilization work again?” Bruce smiled patiently and gently turned back to his display items, getting ready to show Steve the entire process for the fifth time.

“Here, why don’t we start at the beginning again?”…

* * *

 

“Hey man” Sam gently sat down next to Steve and handed him the mug of coffee, setting the paper bag at his feet.

“Homemade soup, should at least help for the first little while” Steve nodded and looked at him with red-rimmed eyes.

“Thanks Sam” Sam gently rested his hand on his back and smiled reassuringly.

“How long’s he been under” Steve sniffed and sipped the coffee, resting his elbow on his knees.

“Three hours, forty-seven minutes and twenty-two seconds – not that I’m counting” he let out a wet laugh and Sam sighed.

“How long is he supposed to be in there” Steve shrugged

“Anywhere from two to five hours depending on how bad it is, if there’s no complications, if-“

“Okay, I get it. Take it easy Steve, he’ll be out before you know it-“ the door to the operating theatre opened and Steve dropped the mug, ignoring the shatter which made Sam and Dr. Cho wince in sympathy.

“How is he!? Can I see him!? Did something happen!?” Dr. Cho smiled gently and gestured behind her.

“He’s all set in recovery Captain, the surgery went fine. He should be waking up in a few hours, go on ahead” Steve took off down the hallway and suddenly stopped, spinning around and embracing the woman tightly, lifting her off the ground.

“Thank you” Dr. Cho smiled and watched as he took off towards his fiancé’s room, turning back to Sam with a smirk.

“You know, this lovesick Steve is kind of cute” Sam groaned and leaned back in the chair.

“That’s only because this is the first time you’re seeing it. It’s really not cute at all” Dr. Cho laughed and headed back inside, Sam stretched and picked up the soup bag, swinging it lightly as he walked down the hallway, whistling the Presidential March and shaking his head as he walked back to the living sector of the compound.

* * *

 

“Hey baby doll, it’s me, it’s Steve” he stepped into the room slowly. The lights were off but the blinds were cracked open, maintaining privacy but allowing the mid evening light to shine through. Tony’d had his staff bring some of the stuff from the apartment down as well. Photos of him and Steve, Bucky’s maroon cardigan he kept close because it reminded him of the one his mother had knit him. And his engagement ring, sitting on the little dish beside the bed, next to the engagement photo Scott had taken for them.

“You’re outta surgery sweetheart. Everything went great. The swelling is already going down” Steve kicked off his shoes and shrugged off his jacket, curling up next to him in his t-shirt and sweatpants.

“I’m gunna stay right here with you okay? Just you and me together like always” Steve shuffled, making himself as small as he could on the bed, curling himself around Bucky’s unconscious form and tucking his head in the crook of his neck. He draped an arm loosely around his waist and sighed heavily as tears slid down his face.

“I love you so much Buck, I’m so sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it” he tightened his grip briefly and pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

“I need you, I was a mess without you, you’re all I want baby, all I need. I’m so sorry I made you think I didn’t” he gazed up at the thickly bandaged face and felt a sob escape him.

“Please, just wake up sweetheart, then it’ll be okay, we’ll be okay, you’ll see” he curled around him and softly cried himself to sleep, clinging to the steady beat of the heart monitor in the corner…

 

His head was throbbing, God it hurt. Maybe Steve could get some of that super pain meds from Bruce, get this thing handled. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a headache this bad. He shifted slightly and caught the smell of sanitizer and he froze. He wasn’t at home. His eyes snapped open and he fought the wave of nausea as he took in his surroundings. He was in the hospital.

“Must’ve gotten my ass kicked” he muttered to himself, noting how dry his throat was. The darkness of the room told him it had to be around three in the morning, maybe two. As his eyes adjusted to the dark he glanced down at the figure wrapped around him tightly. He smiled sadly and gently took in his fiancé’s haggard appearance. Tear tracks had dried on his face and every once and a while he took a stuttering breath like he was crying. His hand was a white knuckled fist in his shirt and his legs were draped over Bucky’s in an almost clinging fashion.

“Oh Stevie” he took a cursory glance around the room, photos of them, his cardigan and several other items were in the room. Bucky’s brows furrowed in concern. How long had he been there? He glanced to his right and saw their engagement photo next to the dish which held his ring. He gently reached up and felt the think bandages on his head, and the glaringly obvious lack of hair and he felt panic slowly beginning to build.

What happened?

Steve shuffled in his sleep and Bucky glanced down, ignoring the discomfort in moving as he gently ran a hand through Steve’s short blonde hair.

“Hey baby doll, you awake?” Steve murmured gently and Bucky smiled as Steve slowly began to wake.

“Hey handsome” he whispered softly as Steve blinked his eyes open, he looked at Bucky for a second before his brain caught up with him and he jerked up

“B-Bucky?” his eyes were wide as saucers and he clasped a hand over his mouth, tears welling up in his eyes.

“Yeah, s’me, s’okay baby doll” Steve let out a deep sob and reached for him, Bucky gently pulled him back down and pressed gently kisses to his forehead.

“Hey, hey, shh, we’re okay” Steve pressed gentle kisses all over his face and neck.

“You’re back, oh my God I was so scared, you were so afraid, and I couldn’t – I couldn’t _do_ anything-“ Bucky pulled back gently in confusion.

“Steve, baby slow down, _what happened_?” Steve looked at him.

“You don’t remember?” Bucky shook his head nervously, Steve could see the panic building up in his eyes and began speaking softly, trying to calm him back down.

“What’s the last thing you do remember?” Bucky thought back and closed his eyes in concentration.

 

* * *

 

_“Clint!” Bucky looked over at Natasha’s yell and immediately took off running, it was clear that Clint wasn’t going to be able to get out of the creature’s path. He shot a quick glance to the side and noticed Sam trying to get there faster, but Bucky knew he’d get there first. He pushed his legs faster and faster, making a mental note to get on Stark about giving Clint some more durable hearing aids for these missions. He just had to get Clint home alive first._

_He watched as Clint covered his face in a last ditch attempt at some sort of protection and hurled himself through the air, extending his arms and colliding with Clint, he didn’t have enough momentum though, and could do nothing but watch as he was hit instead, unable to clear the blast in time. He muttered a quiet “shit” to himself as he spun through the air. He barely had time to register that he was headed for the trees when everything went black._

* * *

 

He looked up at Steve nervously and he smiled softly.

“That was about a week ago babe, you hit your head really bad and had severe cranial bleeding and brain swelling” Bucky blinked

“So I’ve been out for a week?” Steve shook his head and let out a soft whimper

“No baby, I wish you had been though. The way your brain swelled caused you to have severe delusions. You thought we were all HYDRA, that I’d been kidnapped and brainwashed by them. You thought Sam and Nat were your handlers and that Bruce and Tony were your maintenance team.” Bucky gaped at him as Steve’s tears flowed freely

“You – you tried to break us out, but you thought because I was brainwashed I was slipping information to Tony, that I was b-betraying you. So you knocked me out and carried me up to the roof, but they’d prepared for it and were waiting for you. You were so scared, you were sure they were going to take you back in and take you apart again-“ Steve let out a desperate sob and rubbed aggressively at his eyes.

“Steve-“

“You just gave up, you made Nat promise they’d let me go, that they’d put my brain back together and let me go free. You said you’d go quietly, do whatever they wanted, whatever _HYDRA_ wanted, as long as they let me go. The started to bring you down for surgery and you just started screaming, begging me to run, to get away. Y-you were so sure th-that it was it for you, that y-you were d-done, and you just kept begging me to run off, to leave you there” Steve broke down into sobs again and Bucky gently pulled him to his chest.

“M’so sorry Steve, I didn’t know, I’m so sorry” Steve shook his head, clinging to his fiancé tightly

“No, no it’s not your fault. It’s my fault, I told you I was fine without you, and I lied, I was so wrong Bucky and I knew it and I didn’t stop you and you left for that mission thinking – and we weren’t sure if we’d get you back” Bucky groaned and pulled away.

“Steven Grant, you’re damn hot head and you’ve always been a hot head. I knew you didn’t mean it, of course I know you didn’t mean it. But I was still going to give you Hell for it when I got home, running your mouth off like that. But I know you love me Stevie, just like when I say dumb shit you know I still love you right?” Steve nodded. Bucky pressed a soft kiss to his forehead and gently laid them back down, eyes heavy.

“Now, I’m exhausted, and it’s only four in the morning, so why don’t you and I curl up and get some more sleep before Tony gets in here all poking and prodding and Bruce gets all Psychological huh?” Steve giggled and nodded his head. The two curled into each other’s arms, sharing one more kiss before settling in. Steve was mid-yawn when Bucky murmured

“And Steve?”

“Mmhmm?”

“We need to postpone the wedding, I refuse to get married _bald_ ” Steve barked out a laugh and cradled the brunette in his arms.

“Deal”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was a little rushed but I was writing it for a friend. I'm working on a project right now which I'm very excited for and cannot wait to share with you all!!
> 
> Much Love<3


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